How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb? -- an astrological satire

How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?

“Only one. And I’m that person. Watch me! I’ll take charge of the situation and change this lightbulb standing on my head!”

How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb?

“Well, this is MY lightbulb, but I need you to change it for me cuz my hands don't work right now. See how pretty it is? It’s because I own it. I bought it at Nordstroms.”

How many Geminians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A party. “Why don’t we call our friends to come over right now and we’ll change it together. Sometime today or tomorrow. When we feel like it. In the meantime let’s have fun. What lightbulb?”

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A few, holding hands. “I’m really attached to this lightbulb. I don’t know if there is a good substitute. I’ve had this a long time, when my grandmother was still alive. I think I may cry. Please no one touch the lightbulb. It has great sentimental value to me.”

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

An audience – but only one Leo -- “Wow! Dig my lightbulb! Have you ever seen a better lightbulb than this? Except for maybe the new one that my best friends gave me at my birthday party. It’s really cool. And when you replace the new lightbulb for me everyone is going to love it!"

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Several very smart ones -- “Let me help out. (examining the lightbulb closely) You know, I’m not sure that this lightbulb even needs changing. Maybe if I just dust it off, it will work again. Look at all the dirt around it. I’ll get a clean cloth and some soapy water and I’ll wash it real good and I’ll try it again.”

How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1,000 or more – (they couldn’t decide who should try to replace it and who should stay at home to do research on lightbulbs) “We could change the lightbulb. Or we could get a new lamp. Or we could get a new light fixture. Or we could call the apartment manager to make sure the lightbulb is actually broken. Why don’t some of you go check out some stores where they sell lightbulbs to make sure we get the right one? But first maybe we ought to call around to see which store is the right store. And then we’ll have to know the right wattage. Or should we get a fluorescent lightbulb? How about an LED lightbulb? Would that be better? What do you think?”

How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

A few -- “’I’m really pissed off! I’m gonna find out who broke it and then they’re gonna have to pay for a new lightbulb!” (calming down) But you know, it’s really romantic in here now. Let’s light some candles and take a hot tub.” (sigh)

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

100’s –“The truth is this lightbulb is broken.” (Cheers from the audience!) “However, maybe the lightbulb blacking out is important to our self-development. That the dark is somehow more spiritual than light. (nods of agreement) Okay everyone. Let’s get on our bicycles and ride to the store. The first one back with a lightbulb wins!”

How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – One is the boss and the other is the helper (some other astrological sign is good, like a water sign or a Virgo). Boss (to helper) – “Go look in the broom closet on the top shelf. In there, you’ll find a box of lightbulbs. I bought some over a year ago when they were on sale. Bring one to me. And don’t break it.”

How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A roomful of very dedicated lightbulb replacers. “I have a joke for you. What is the best lightbulb ever invented? I’ve heard about it on the internet. It will be available next year! In the meantime everyone sit down on your yoga pads and let’s meditate on this lightbulb. You see, it was a very unique lightbulb. We should replace it with a lightbulb that won’t hurt the environment and the light will be good for everyone. Carrot juice, anyone?”

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two sitting in the dark – “It’s okay. I don’t mind being without a lightbulb. Unless someone else is hurt by the dark. Then I’d be happy to go buy a lightbulb using my own money. Whatever you want me to do. Meanwhile, I think I’ll have a joint and watch the light show when we screw the new lightbulb into the socket.”

Lauren O. Thyme is a spiritual and psychic counselor, healer, channel, lecturer, published writer and poet, professional astrologer, and spiritual pilgrim.

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